Lost tools

12 Mar

Skin cultures were done on my holes today, after one of them, or something attached to one of them, ruptured and drained goo and a lot of blood (there’s a mental image for ya!). Results should be in on Monday, and that will hopefully put me on the final path toward a much anticipated answer.

I realized through these past 48 hours  of excruciating pain that I have lost a very powerful tool I used to have. Several years ago, I  had the ability to convince myself I was not in pain. I was able to push even the most powerful of physical pains into something the size of a pin, then push it out of me. As I laid in bed awake last night for hours and hours on end, I kept trying to make myself remember how I did it, until finally I just let the pain wash over me. How did I do it? And why now when I need it more than ever before have I forgotten my little trick?

I know that in the end this is going to make me a better person. And I will continue to praise Him, through the sleepless nights, the gauze changes, the growing phobia of q-tips, the blood draws, the pill swallowing, the heartburn from the pill swallowing, and the deep lingering pain in my legs and back. He is a God of mercy and grace, and He won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I am just excited to be on the other side of this bridge and see it from across the water, and to laugh at all the things I’ve gone through the past 2 years.


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